I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
