Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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