At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
