So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
