mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?