I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.