Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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