I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
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