I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
