I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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