So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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