'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
