Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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