I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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