You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
