oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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