he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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