I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
