i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
