He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
