it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
