Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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