I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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