I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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