is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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