I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
