How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
