I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
