Only a mothe r could love this liver
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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