I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
