I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
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am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
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Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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