The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
