Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
