last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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