I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
