Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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