guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
two words...techno handjob
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
