Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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