Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
