I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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