I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Randomize
