How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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