The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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