he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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