My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
