Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
