So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
