who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
