what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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