We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
