Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
