if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
